Saturday, August 13, 2011

Into the Light

This morning I woke up with immediate dissatisfaction.

I looked out of the window of the new dorm room that doesn't feel like home yet and over the sliver of a stadium that represents what home was supposed to become a year ago.
And I wished that I was somewhere else and that my life looked differently than it does now. And I was unhappy.

For the first time in about a month, I cracked back open my own, personal version of Pandora's Box. The box I've been sitting on and jumping on and working so hard keep shut.
I cracked it open, and the demons seemed only to have grown in the dark.... 

Their fingers scratched into mine. Tearing skin. Injecting poison. 
This is a bad idea. How am I doing this again?

Close the box. Close the box. Close the box.
I can't.

It was 5:30. Still dark. No dusk. Only hopelessness. 

I can't. I can't close the box. 

Light. Like a secret.
He can. But I'll try.

Poison. 
Then light. In a whisper.
Let go.

I tried before.
Again, then.

Get your fingers out of the way and
let go.

Surrender.
and a sun rise. a promise. a cheesy blog.

And I sang again. After seventeen months, I sang again. 
Because He wanted me to. Because He doesn't leave me while it's dark out. Because His light shines on me, steady as the rising sun.
I sang for the joy of my Redeemer.
Who's shown me this week just how blessed I am. 

He's given me a chapter room full of beautiful girls who care about my heart.
He's given me a family who love me and each other regardlessly.
He's given me the comfort of adaptability while taking away old fears of change.
He's given me two beyond comfortable homes on earth, with the promise of the home of perfection in eternity.
He's given me an incredible testimony of His unfailing, unchanging love.
He's given me forgiveness and redemption.
He's given me a savior.

.... And how I can wake up, look out a window, and come across all this, I don't know. Because His ways are not my own, nor are His thoughts.

I don't know why I worry. I don't know why I choose to be unhappy. I don't know why I don't bask in the abundant blessings that flow out of every corner of my world. 

But I do know that I want to choose joy.
Everyday. From now until forever. I have it. 
I want to live it.
I want to live with joy.

This year will be the best year of my life thus far. 
Like Frank and I always say:
the best is yet to come.
And this year will only bring me closer.


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