Thursday, September 22, 2011

I Have the Heart

"I know I have the body of a weak and feeble woman; 
but I have the heart and stomach of a king,"

-Elizabeth I

Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Let Thorns Grow

I'd sooner believe someone
still broken
than someone who's never seen pain.

Words have more weight 
when they're

Monday, September 19, 2011

Good News

God just showed me this encouragement:

"And those who belong to Christ Jesus have crucified the flesh with its passions and desires."
Galations 5:24


From My Messy Heart

"Therefore I tell you, whatever you ask in prayer, 
believe that you have received it, 
and it will be yours."
Mark 11:24

I have no idea what to make of this verse.

I battled with it all summer.
I've listened to sermons on it. I've prayed about it, 
etc, etc, etc....
I just don't fully understand it.
And I'm a sinner, so maybe I never will.

So far, in relation to this verse,
God has taught me that it does not mean we can just ask for whatever the heck we would like to have and have it.

"Dear God, I would just really like for you to give me a green pair of brand new Hunter rain-boots, as well as, a brand new pair of Ray-Ban Clubmasters (tortoise, please, God), and I fully believe that you are going to give them to me because you can."
+new Hunter rain-boots on my feet. new Ray-Ban Clubmasters on my face.+

... I understand that this is not at all what this verse means.

But so far, God has also taught me that when we pray for things that glorify Him,
He says yes...

but to what extent?

Wouldn't it glorify the Lord for Him to take away the cancer?
Wouldn't it glorify the Lord for Him to heal the broken marriage?
Wouldn't it glorify the Lord for Him to provide the needed money?
It would.
And yet.... Look around.

I don't "get" God.
I don't at all understand what He's up to in His plans for my life and others', and to be perfectly honest, I don't always think His ideas are the best ones.
(And if you're being perfectly honest, you don't think so either.)
I'm not saying His ideas aren't the best ones.
They are.
... but being the sinful, messy, and un-omniscient human-being that I am,
I just don't always see how they are.

I hate my flesh.

... but going back to the verse.
... There's a lot of ideas that I have about things God could employ in my life that I think would very much glorify Him.
I ask him for these things.
A lot.
I stopped for a little while, but I felt dishonest with Him.
So, I recently (last night, recently) started asking again.
... But I'm afraid to believe that He might actually say yes.

Because what if He doesn't?
What if He says no?
What if God has a much better idea of how to glorify himself?
What if these things that I think would bring Him so much glory, wouldn't actually bring Him any glory at all?

I hate my flesh.

I'm a coward.
I'm afraid to be disappointed.
I'm afraid I'll end up broken and angry at God.
I'm afraid I'll say, "But, God, you promised..."
and I don't want to say that.
I don't want to be wrong. I don't want to be humbled.

And that's just messy me.
That's why I (we) need grace.
Because sometimes most times, I'm afraid to grow.
Even though that's the best thing for me.


What do you think of this verse?
I want to know. 
Let's learn together.
And to my dear friend, Anonymous:
I'd like as many comments from you as you deem necessary.

Sunday, September 18, 2011

If There Was No You

When I see myself, I'm seeing you too
as long as I remember and I'm feeling like I knew
that my jokes aren't funny, the truth isn't true
if there was no you

If you were my boat, in the deep blue sea
I'd probably sink you down
I know I should've thanked you for carrying me
but for you I will happily drown

All along your way
the darkest night, the longest day
I know what to say to make you laugh
and nothing you could do
could make me turn my back on you
when you're looking for a fight
I'm your man
when you need a friend, you got my hand

What I really mean, what I'm trying hard to say
is that I'm counting on you and you got me too
My secrets aren't safe, I'm singing out of tune
if there was no you
if there was no you

All along your way
the darkest night, the longest day
I know what to say to make you laugh
and nothing you could do
could make me turn my back on you
when you're looking for a fight
I'm your man
when you need a friend, you got my hand
when you need a friend, you got my hand
you got my hand 

-Brandi Carlile

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

I Want to Die While You Love Me

I want to die while you love me,
While yet you hold me fair,
While laughter lies upon my lips
And lights are in my hair.

I want to die while you love me
And bear to that still bed
your kisses -- turbulent, unspent,
To warm me when I'm dead.

I want to die while you love me
Oh, who would care to live,
'Til love has nothing more to ask
And nothing more to give

Georgia Douglas Johnson (1928)

Whenever I read poetry, I remember why I want to be an English teacher.
When I read this poem, I remember why I want to be a wife.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Last Friday Night

[I want to be sure you all know that I am listening to Katy Perry's "Last Friday Night" while I write this.... Literally, I opened iTunes (yes, it's in my library #notahipster #imalsowearingnorts) just to play the song... even though I have never experienced a Friday night that looks anything like the one Katy sings about. It's whatever. I'm okay with that. Anyways....]

Last Friday night, me and my besties (= Kit Stallings, Molly Hendry, Cody Nall, Neal Timberlake, Kathleen Palmer, and KP's boyfriend: Todd Robinson) loaded up in Neal's SUV of perfection and made the trek up to ATL. The Avett Brothers were playing at the Tabernacle... for free.
This is exciting, people.

Now, I'm not the world's biggest Avett fan, but I'm a bigger fan than Molly Hendry ("... Wait. Are we listening to the Avett Brothers right now?"... "[Insert comment about Lecrae.]") So, while I may not have been as stoked-out-of-my-mind as Kit Stallings was, I was still pretty excited, and if I'd had more than three hours of Thursday night sleep under my belt, I'm sure I could've mustered up even more excitement.

So we go. We park. We eat at a greasy diner. We wait in line for three hours. And the Tabernacle fills up literally with about fifteen people left in line ahead of us... literally.

Disappointment hit hard. Really hard. I laughed too soon (still sorry). Others held back tears.
It just wasn't logical. We got screwed. Other people who'd waited half the time we had were in there while we were stuck waiting on the sidewalk and wondering what to do next.
It wasn't fair, and it didn't make sense.

... Naturally, once everyone collected their sorrows up enough to walk away from the closed yellow gate and back to the car, we ended up going to The Varsity, buying some chocolate milkshakes, and having a dance party/photo-shoot on the top of the parking deck...
and I'm not sure about everyone else, but I know I had one of the best nights of my sophomore year.

Because sometimes that happens.
Sometimes, you don't get into the free Avett Brothers concert you waited in line for, for three hours.
Sometimes, you get disappointment.
Sometimes, you get screwed.
Sometimes, nothing goes according to plan.
And sometimes, when you put your mind to it, you can have joy anyways.

So, Ladies and Gentlemen, allow me to introduce you to my sophomore year.
(Yes, this is the post you've all been waiting for that I've talked about writing in my past three or so posts.)

Really happy, actually.
I'm happy to tell you I'm happy, and I'm happy to be happy.
(The word happy now looks super weird.)

Nothing has changed really. I mean, I guess life has changed a little bit.
Being a sophomore is way different (way better--to me) than being a freshman, but nothing about my life circumstances (other than where I live--in The Village! What up life of luxury?!) are all that different. I miss my family, but I'm not homesick. And instead of wishing I was at home, I'm wishing they were here. Birmingham used to only be just two hours away, but now it's TWO HOURS away.

God has just given me an unexplainable peace (that surpasses all understanding) and contentment and joy with His current calling for me.

Temptation is still out there.
Oh boy, is it ever. It's got it's toughest game face on actually, and I can feel it fighting harder than ever to steal away my newfound happiness, but I won't let it. I will fight to keep this prize.
Not because I deserve it, but because God thinks I'm worth it, and He proved that when He sacrificed His son so that I can be happy. 
I should be happy. I'm crazy, ridiculously, unfathomably blessed, and I've been a spoiled-rotten brat for not appreciating that.

Freshman year was tough (Duh, you know that if you read this blog. So sorry about any wayyyy too emotional posts from when I was a little crazy and at rock bottom. I realize they're pretty awkward. I may delete one or two, but I can't decide. Those posts are a direct reflection of months that brought me so much closer to the Lord than I've ever been before. My life is the embarrassingly emotional mess that those posts are, and God's grace is constantly cleaning it up. I think that's beautiful. So, I don't know. Anyway...), and by the time it was over I was looking for any reason I could muster up to blame it on Auburn. I didn't want to admit that Freshman year was a blessing because I didn't want to stop wanting it to be different. I didn't want to be thankful for heartache, but now, sophomore year has started, and guess what... I am.

I am so thankful that freshman year went the way it did. If it wouldn't have, I wouldn't be the person I am today (cliche, but true #sorryboutit). I wouldn't be upset that I'm struggling to have a daily devotional because I wouldn't know to struggle for one. I wouldn't have had countless awesome encounters and conversations with so many beautiful girls. I wouldn't be able to appreciate the joy of dancing on a parking deck with my best friends after deciding not to experience the more obvious extreme disappointment.

I am so happy right where I am.
I'm in college.
I have the best friends in the world.
And I'm bound for the promise land.

The best is still yet to come, but at least I'm having fun waiting around for it.

So, here's a song Neal showed us that makes me wanna cry it's so cute and perfect:

And here is a picture of my travel buddies (minus Todd):

"Most days, we spend together 'cause
we realized that they go so fast.
Sometimes, I get to wonderin' if
these perfect days will last."
-Emily Hearn, Rooftop

(left to right:
top row: Cody Nall, me, Molly Hendry, Kit (Girl) Stallings;
bottom row: Neal Timberlake, Kathleen Palmer)
(... and if you want to see the rest of the eight-bajillion pictures we took, check my Facebook, yo.)

What More Can He Say?

So, to anyone wondering: having a daily devotional in college is hard.

Real hard...
at least for me.

You see, I have this thing goin' with my friend Sleep.
We just... I don't know... really, really like each other.
Actually, I think we may be in love. I'm not really sure.
Love is such a complicated thing.
All I know is that, when I'm not with Sleep, I'm thinking about him,
and when I am with Sleep, he is never enough.
He has a tendency to be kind of controlling, which I know isn't healthy,
but most of the time, when he's not dictating my life, he's just really sweet!
I would probably just go ahead and marry him,
except for he's kind of putting a damper in my relationship with the Lord.

and that's the real problem.

I'm just always tired (so tired).
I set my alarm an hour early, I come back to my room between classes, etc, etc, etc...
And I always find myself desiring sleep more than the Lord during these times.

Not cool, Rosie.

I've found myself in a load of stress.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm happy (saving that for the other post I keep talking about), but overwhelmed.
And worried.

I keep yelling at God,
so scared that He's going to take away my joy and contentment,
so scared I'm going to lose my peace.
And I keep yelling at myself to be better.
To run more and eat less.
To study more and facebook less.
To give more and ask less.
To be more and quit less.
... and then I get upset and afraid
because I realize that all my yelling might mean I'm not actually content at all.
And that so honestly is the last thing I want.

What do I want?

I want to be satisfied with the Lord and the Lord alone.
I want to fall and fall and never stop falling into His never ending love.
I want to want Him.
I want to know how much I need Him,
and I want to know that without having to hurt.
I want to have joy regardless of how my day is going,
and I want to share that joy with as many people as possible.
I want to look in the mirror and rejoice in the beautiful way God's made me
instead of picking out all the ways I think I've ruined His intentions for my body.
And I want to somehow do that without any hint of pride.
I want to wake up in the morning and read my dang Bible for thirty minutes
and then journal about it for thirty more.
I want to go running because I can run (even if it means slowly),
not because I'm punishing myself.
I want to eat fruit because it's SO cool that
God makes sweet things grow out of literally just dirt,
not because really, I'm just hungry for cookie dough.
I want to stop wanting what I don't have.
I want to be truly, honestly, and fully content without it.
I want to stop hoping in anything other than heaven,
and I want to stop being surprised when people disappoint me.
I want to stop taking my heart out of the hands that don't disappoint.
I want my heart set on the promiseland.**

Somehow, I've found myself aggravated not only with myself,
but with God, for not giving me all of the above.
I've been confused about why I don't have it all together.
Then, I remember that I'm not spending the time with Him that He's begging me for.
That He died for me for.
That He conquered the unconquerable for me for.
... and when I remember that, I remember that I simply can't have it all together.
I can't be perfect.
I can't do anything.
All I can do is lean on the Lord, and look to Him to hold my life together in one piece.
... and I haven't been doing that.
Leaning on the Lord is opening the Bible everyday.
Satisfying my hunger and quenching my thirst.
Not sitting back and wondering why God isn't talking to me.

He is.

His word is living and active.
I'm obviously not.
Why don't I go to it to find the life and activity I seek?
Because I'm an idiot.
But God's grace is good.

We sang this in church today:
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

How firm is the foundation laying right beneath my feet,
sitting right on top of my bedside table.
What more can he say than to me He is yelling,
me, who unto Jesus' refuge I'm fleeing.

**(I also want to learn how to drive my emotional points home in writing
without using repetition. #rosemarygoestocollegesignaturewritingstyle)

Friday, September 9, 2011

Happy Friday, Yall.


(... and, Mom, this is the climactic quote from a movie entitled, 10 Things I Hate About You.)