Sunday, September 11, 2011

What More Can He Say?

So, to anyone wondering: having a daily devotional in college is hard.

Real hard...
at least for me.

You see, I have this thing goin' with my friend Sleep.
We just... I don't know... really, really like each other.
Actually, I think we may be in love. I'm not really sure.
Love is such a complicated thing.
All I know is that, when I'm not with Sleep, I'm thinking about him,
and when I am with Sleep, he is never enough.
He has a tendency to be kind of controlling, which I know isn't healthy,
but most of the time, when he's not dictating my life, he's just really sweet!
I would probably just go ahead and marry him,
except for he's kind of putting a damper in my relationship with the Lord.

and that's the real problem.

I'm just always tired (so tired).
I set my alarm an hour early, I come back to my room between classes, etc, etc, etc...
And I always find myself desiring sleep more than the Lord during these times.

Not cool, Rosie.

I've found myself in a load of stress.
I'm overwhelmed.
I'm happy (saving that for the other post I keep talking about), but overwhelmed.
And worried.

I keep yelling at God,
so scared that He's going to take away my joy and contentment,
so scared I'm going to lose my peace.
And I keep yelling at myself to be better.
To run more and eat less.
To study more and facebook less.
To give more and ask less.
To be more and quit less.
... and then I get upset and afraid
because I realize that all my yelling might mean I'm not actually content at all.
And that so honestly is the last thing I want.

What do I want?

I want to be satisfied with the Lord and the Lord alone.
I want to fall and fall and never stop falling into His never ending love.
I want to want Him.
I want to know how much I need Him,
and I want to know that without having to hurt.
I want to have joy regardless of how my day is going,
and I want to share that joy with as many people as possible.
I want to look in the mirror and rejoice in the beautiful way God's made me
instead of picking out all the ways I think I've ruined His intentions for my body.
And I want to somehow do that without any hint of pride.
I want to wake up in the morning and read my dang Bible for thirty minutes
and then journal about it for thirty more.
I want to go running because I can run (even if it means slowly),
not because I'm punishing myself.
I want to eat fruit because it's SO cool that
God makes sweet things grow out of literally just dirt,
not because really, I'm just hungry for cookie dough.
I want to stop wanting what I don't have.
I want to be truly, honestly, and fully content without it.
I want to stop hoping in anything other than heaven,
and I want to stop being surprised when people disappoint me.
I want to stop taking my heart out of the hands that don't disappoint.
I want my heart set on the promiseland.**

Somehow, I've found myself aggravated not only with myself,
but with God, for not giving me all of the above.
I've been confused about why I don't have it all together.
Then, I remember that I'm not spending the time with Him that He's begging me for.
That He died for me for.
That He conquered the unconquerable for me for.
... and when I remember that, I remember that I simply can't have it all together.
I can't be perfect.
I can't do anything.
All I can do is lean on the Lord, and look to Him to hold my life together in one piece.
... and I haven't been doing that.
Leaning on the Lord is opening the Bible everyday.
Satisfying my hunger and quenching my thirst.
Not sitting back and wondering why God isn't talking to me.

He is.

His word is living and active.
I'm obviously not.
Why don't I go to it to find the life and activity I seek?
Because I'm an idiot.
But God's grace is good.

We sang this in church today:
How firm a foundation, ye saints of the Lord,
Is laid for your faith in His excellent Word!
What more can He say than to you He hath said,
You, who unto Jesus for refuge have fled?

How firm is the foundation laying right beneath my feet,
sitting right on top of my bedside table.
What more can he say than to me He is yelling,
me, who unto Jesus' refuge I'm fleeing.

**(I also want to learn how to drive my emotional points home in writing
without using repetition. #rosemarygoestocollegesignaturewritingstyle)

1 comment:

  1. Yes. I believe you just quoted my mind. :)